I am asexual. I know many of you won’t have ever heard this term, so I’ll try to describe what it means to me, and link you to more resources to learn more about the asexual spectrum. Please also recognize that if you’re reading this post on the internet, you can learn more about anything by typing it into the search bar.
These are some of the ways in which I see my asexualism manifest:
- I have observed that many people have a mind that often jumps to sex. I do not have a sexual mind. I say things that are sometimes taken as sexual innuendos and I don’t notice until someone points it out. I don’t notice sexual innuendos when other people make them. I don’t enjoy sex jokes. I don’t usually notice if things are yonic or phallic because vaginas and penises are rarely on my mind.
- I’m fairly oblivious to come-ons. Since I would always prefer to get to know someone than to hook up with them, I don’t realize that the reverse is true for many people, depending on the situation. When making plans with someone, I almost always assume it’s friendly plans, and then get anxious when I learn it might mean something else to them.
- I need sexual intent to be extremely explicit. To illustrate how explicit communication needs to be for me to understand that somebody means to have sex with me: invitations to sleep in the same room or bed does not imply sex to me. I love spooning all night long and rarely imagine that it could lead to sex.
- I am tremendously sensitive to being sexually objectified. That doesn’t mean I have never enjoyed showing off my body, but it means it’s rare. When I dance, it’s for me and me alone, and I generally feel really awkward dancing with other people, especially if I don’t know them. I hate it when people dance with me nonconsensually. This is partly a response to a traumatic experience when I was younger, but I think it also has to do with the societal link between dancing and sex; I don’t want to be thought of as someone to have sex with.
- I have a lower-than-average sex drive. It is almost entirely controlled by my cycle. When I do crave sex, it is a physical stimulation I desire, not a connection with a person. In most situations in which I’ve had sex, it’s been to fit in. My choice to have sex rarely comes from a physical desire; I am more often curious or desiring closeness. Sexual exploration is something I am comfortable with, as long as it is clear that I don’t want to explore very often.
- I can be physically attracted to people. I might want to touch their breasts and/or kiss their lips. I don’t view kissing as sex, but it seems that lots of people view the desire to kiss someone as sexual attraction. One thing that helps me process this is the idea that there are many types of attraction; sensual, sexual, romantic, visual. I experience sensual attraction without knowing someone well. I also don’t always equate sensual attraction with romantic attraction; in high school I cuddled with my friends all the time, but didn’t have a crush on everyone I had a desire to cuddle with.
- I am very confused about what romance is. Society tells me it is related to sex, but, for me, it’s not. Society tells me that a desire to be sensual with someone is a desire to be in a romantic and therefore sexual relationship with them. It’s not! Society tells me that if I find someone physically attractive, I must want to sleep with them. I don’t! I often find people attractive, but that doesn’t usually mean I want to have sex with them. It typically means I see some mannerism or personality trait exhibited that leads me to want to get to know someone better. It means I want to feel close to them. It might have some sexual implications, such as a desire to kiss, but I don’t usually think about having sex with them.
You may have heard me use the word “pansexual” to describe myself. A more accurate word would be “panromantic” (I also use the word “queer”). I’m not very sexual, but I am romantic. I have crushes. But crush to me means something closer to “I want to get to know you better or have emotionally raw conversations with you, and maybe make out a little”, rather than “I want to sleep with you” or “I want to enter into a sexual relationship with you”. I use the word in a romantic sense; I have romantic feelings for someone on whom I have a crush. This article also helped me accept that I focus my attention in bed to intimacy and sensuality, but not necessarily sex.
It has taken me a long time to understand my sexuality. I want to be clear to all of my past sexual partners that you had no way of knowing that I was asexual. While I wish I had known so that we could have had a healthier relationship, I didn’t. The only bitterness I feel is toward society, because asexuality was not something I knew anything about; I hadn’t heard of it until a year ago. Let’s do better – let’s validate more experiences
Here is an article I referenced while trying to figure out my clearly nonconforming identity. The site has some great links and resources about demisexualism, which I first landed on as an identity before realizing I’m asexual. If you’re interested in learning more you can also check out this site about asexualism.
Last month, I was scheduled to testify as a character witness in a trial. Court was scheduled for 8:30 AM, and I was scheduled to testify after another witness. It takes a half hour to bike slowly from my house to the justice center (courthouse). At 8:00 AM I was getting on my bike, when I got a call saying I was needed immediately at the justice center. I said I was getting on my bike and would be there in a half hour. I needed the bike ride to move the anxiety of getting on the stand through my body, but the lawyer didn’t want to take any chances on me getting there late so an Uber was sent for me. I arrived at the justice center flustered and irritated that I had been rushed there in a polluting machine.
It’s common for people who primarily use cars to get around to offer rides and believe they can provide a resource to people who need that resource. What they don’t realize is that, for many of us, cars are not only unnecessary, but negative influences in our lives.
I bike for many reasons. It is extremely rare that I would even think about accepting a ride in a car. Here are some of the reasons I bike:
- Environmental destruction is so 20th-century. In most places I’ve been in the U.S., cars are the primary transportation method. Cars typically burn gasoline or diesel, which not only emits fossil fuels as it burns, it also pollutes the air, water, and land from where the oil used to make the gasoline or diesel is extracted. Destruction in the Amazon has forced indigenous populations from the jungle and led to the dissemination of entire peoples.[i] The oil industry is so strong that it took thousands of indigenous communities coming together to stop a pipeline from going through land without the consent of its inhabitants. I bike to minimize my contribution to these disastrous impacts on ecosystems and people.
- Biking keeps my body moving so I can process emotions. Different people like different settings for engaging in conflict. If my body is stationary it traps stress inside; I need to be moving to work through the stress. As someone who cares deeply about social justice, I spend a lot of time and energy on personal growth (resolving internal conflict) and interpersonal growth (resolving conflict involving those around me as well as myself). I need regular time to myself to let new information and ideas soak in and to develop opinions about them. Biking provides this time.
Biking also encourages my creative processes. Sometimes I write songs or poetry; much of my artwork is developed on a bicycle. I also engage in occasional public speaking; I write speeches and practice them while riding.
Mental health is important. While maintaining or achieving mental health looks different for all individuals, 28% of people who responded to the question I posed on Twitter about why people bike mentioned their own mental health. I know my mental health is improved when I bike because of a few reasons below (specifically #s 5-8), while a lot of it also has to do with having time to process emotions while moving.
- Sexism tells me I’m not strong but my bike experiences prove that to be false. There’s something extremely satisfying about seeing an athletic man’s jaw drop when I tell him I biked up a mountain with a tent, sleeping bag, clothes, and food loaded on the back of my bike (I do this a few times per year). Don’t get me wrong, the ride feels amazing too (see reason #8), but this section is about the joy I get from challenging the assumption that women are weak. I get a kick out of the ignorant disbelief that I can easily haul 300 pounds of food a few miles. Surprise! Take that, fragile masculine ego.
- My transportation mode is a simple machine that I do not have to dedicate lots of energy to fully understand. Its moving parts are generally easily visible and adjustable. Okay, I have degree in mechanical engineering, so my brain is practiced in understanding physics, but when compared to most machines that transport people, bikes are pretty simple. The pedals turn the crank, which is connected via the chain to the freewheel or cassette, which turns the wheel. The handlebars turn through bearings in the headset. The shifters, cables, and derailleurs, and brakes add a little more complexity to create a complete bike, functional with moving parts. It’s that simple. Beautiful.
- I have control over my bike and my schedule. My number one reason to bike is the environment. Carpooling and public transit have low but measurable environmental impacts, while they also involve dependence on someone else’s schedule. When I bike, I can arrive when I want, leave when I want, and take as long as I want in transit. I am in control of my speed and my path as well as my schedule.
- I don’t need to schedule exercise into my day, just commute time. In order to get enough exercise during my day, I just need to leave the house, because the transportation method I use doubles as an exercise method.
- Biking connects me to my surroundings. I understand what lies between where I am and where I came from. I value the effort of moving objects and lives. The breath at the top of the mountain feels more refreshing when I used my body to get there.
- Biking is exhilarating to me. This is very related to #7, but includes an element of freedom. If I even spend one day without getting on a bike, I feel so free the next time I am on a bike. I can feel the elements, which has always been exciting to me and helps me feel alive.
- Because I can. I have the privilege of being able to use my body, so I do. If I bike when I can, I show that it’s possible. People who would like to ride a bike but do not do it might feel more encouraged to give it a shot. I want to normalize biking. Doing it, writing about it, and talking about it make it more socially acceptable. I enjoy to ride and I can. Why wouldn’t I?
- It’s cheap. I eat whether or not I bike, so my fuel prices are negligible. I don’t have to pay for every ride, and I don’t have to throw much money down on maintenance. In fact, my transportation machine – decked out in extra accessories – plus annual maintenance, costs me less than I make in a month of underpaid, part-time work. It’s certainly affordable.
Please note that I have only communicated why I choose to bike. I posted a tweet asking why Twitter users bike. This was responded to by 25 people and resulted in 31 unique reasons for biking and 111 total responses; 28% of responses were unique, and there were more unique responses than there were respondents. Everyone has their own reasons. Here are four of the individual responses I got:
Now it’s your turn. Why do you bike? Post using the hashtag #WhyIBike. Better yet, take a friend on a bike ride!